On Naked Parties

Last night I had the pleasure of dining with a friend of mine from high school and his eight housemates. The food was very good, the conversation witty and at times acerbic, and the people there could only be described as a group of unpretentious hipsters. To wit: they were to what hipsters aspired: artistic, dressed plainly without garishly displayed brand names or critters sewn into the chest pockets of their shirts, and capable of unaffected obscurity in their cultural references.  

Conversation drifted from the particulars of female figure-enhancement through redistributing the fat of the thigh upward, whereupon it is secured at bust-height by way of corsetry; a professor’s rebuke of Ayn Rand (whom he met on a train), when she asked if the train stopped at a certain station he retorted that it might be more appropriate if she “found out for herself;” and the subject of the Yale party scene.

“It pains me to say that at UChicago, very few people actually stick with a proscribed theme for a party. The one guy who goes all out is usually stared at. Then someone cracks a joke about the neuroses of UChicago students and everybody stands around self-consciously until some ‘bro’ does something stupid. Either that or there is dancing to subpar top 40. Lots of gatherings in dorm rooms or apartments, too. Nothing that lives up to expectations of what a good college bacchanal should be.” I was asked my opinion of the party scene where I go. “Ultimately, it depends on the demands of the theme. But in short, relative to where some of my friends go to school, the Maroon party scene is kind of a drag.”

“About accessibility of theme, one of the more popular themes for parties on this block are pants-less parties. One rule: no pants. Women tend to wear skirts or dresses, and although men can technically get away with shorts, most come in their boxers… or, if you are like the __________ twins, hot pink briefs from American Apparel.”

Someone, I forgot who, mentioned that it doesn’t stop at parties without pants. 

“Logistically, it is kind of difficult to dance around naked,” said the one who broached the topic of naked parties. Jumping around doesn’t do any favors for the naked. “So they’re mostly really civil affairs. Sitting, talking. Some drinking, but mostly just conversation is involved.”

“The best part is,” interjected my host, “that the Yale practical joke club always frequents these parties and kind of polices them. They beat the offending male with dildoes until he leaves the party if they notice he’s become aroused.” 

“One’s brain must be vigilant on so many levels at one of these things,” I suggested.

“Yeah, man. They’re pretty involved. I kind of want to go to one before I leave here.” 

“The nakedness here is both metaphor and praxis.”

“Oh, be quiet. Don’t be so U of C. It’s a party. And you used ‘praxis’ awkwardly.” 

“You know, Jason, we’re throwing a pants-less party on Friday. You should come.”


Walking back to Davenport college with my dinner host and the friend with whom I’m staying I suggest that “I might wear the boxers from Brooks. That would be so very ivy of me.”

“Very Epicurean of you…”

“Worn earnestly or ironically for that reason?”

“Good question, man. Good question.”


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