Jack and Jill Went to Sand Hill…

Jack and Jill went to Sand Hill to raise their Series A

They went from Andreessen to Kleiner and Greylock and then to DFJ

Jill spoke of disruption

Old term sheets’ destruction

And when they will move to the Bay.

 

Jack said said to VCs

“Our app’s the bee’s knees”

“I see you have two Stanford degrees.”

“That’s right,” said Jack, “And the check, if you please?”

 

“Yeah, uh, sure. Okay.”

The Sociology of Mens Locker Rooms, a Satire

The three social traits analyzed here are: degree of nakedness, amount and subject matter of conversation, and relative degree of homophobia, which is correlated- but not mutually inclusive with degree of nakedness.

Introduction

Lifetime Fitness is a chain of health clubs based out of Chanhassen, Minnesota, and has a location near my house in the Chicago suburbs. Though the following typology will evaluate the different cohorts of males in this particular location’s locker room, it can be applied to any locker room, or to any set of males, inside or outside a locker room environment. The sample set analyzed falls within a two dimensional space (Age-Fitness). Each falls somewhere on the continuum between infant and practically dead, and, secondarily, on a continuum between concentration camp survivor-skinny and grotesquely overweight. The three social traits analyzed here are: degree of nakedness, amount and subject matter of conversation, and relative degree of homophobia, which is correlated- but not mutually inclusive with degree of nakedness.

Nudity

We fix our analysis of the first trait, degree of nakedness, by assuming that nakedness here is the result of close temporal proximity to showering or clothes-changing activities. To wit, this is more an analysis of the extent to which towels are implemented, rather than one of absolute nakedness. Although empirical data is unavailable–in situ, it was difficult to quantify towel coverage with respect to total surface area of the male subject–the following qualitative evaluations should suffice. The men who used two towels were, predominantly, rotund or elderly, or some combination thereof. However, a complicating factor–whether one used the steam room, and, consequently, whether one had qualms about using the same towel in the steam room and for drying off after a shower–contradicts this general trend. Several otherwise young and fit gentlemen were seen wandering about the locker room, one towel around the waist and the other slung over one or both shoulders, headed in the general direction of the steam room. They could boast of a good body build, so their testosterone must be at proper level. Click here to learn how testosterone effects your life. The population who used one towel was remarkably heterogeneous, and thus eludes any application of a general predictive rule.

However, the most striking contrast existed in the un-toweled cohort. Roughly a quarter of the males visibly under age 35 chose to trot about without a towel; whether it was for the sake of political expression or narcissistic self-confidence remains unclear. At least one was seen visibly strutting between his locker and the showers, no towel of which to speak, and could be seen “sucking in” his stomach so as to appear slimmer. Of the men over 40, roughly a third of the moderately to significantly overweight men did not wear towels. This un-toweled population was overwhelmingly tan, and seemed to carry a “you know what, fuckface, I don’t give a shit that I’m subjecting the locker room to a view of my [shriveled and somewhat depressing] genitalia” kind of swagger to their collective bearing. The overwhelming majority of overweight men over 70 seemed not to notice that they weren’t wearing towels, which is to say that the majority of them weren’t. Curiously, the majority of skinny old men wore towels. Continue reading “The Sociology of Mens Locker Rooms, a Satire”

How The Snuggie Will Protect America

So, here I am in O’Hare international and going through security. This was a bit earlier than when this is finally posted, which is dependent on finding an unprotected wifi signal. So anyways, in accordance with the new, “more stringent” security measures implemented by the TSA, I’m having the inside of my upper right thigh palpitated by an overworked guy in need of a shave and a brow mop. As he moves into uncomfortable territory, toward the apex of legs’ fleshy arch, and compressing my shorts around my leg and beginning to “toe the line” between thigh and buttock I’m kind of tempted to say, “Look, dude, I know you guys pulled me into this line of tired bearded men with foreign-sounding names so that CNN can’t say in an exposè of systematic racial profiling that there weren’t any perky Caucasian college kids in the ‘special line,’ but please Mr. Quasi-authoritarian Uniformed Dude, might you spare us the indignity of you trying to ascertain whether the hem of my boxer shorts is cotton, polyester, or det-cord attached to a bomb? Can’t we both be rational here and acknowledge this as a charade? And might you also consider moving to the other leg? You’ve been at it for almost ten seconds on this one.”

While Mr. National Security thumbed the inseam of the other leg with such a degree of dutiful solemnity one would think he was performing a ritualistic rite of passage for attainment of rights of passage, a fleeting moment of staggering genius yielded the following insight: in the mode of lean corporate management, address the problem—long security lines, invasiveness, and extant security threats—at its lowest common denominator: the vast range of sartorial options that leave TSA personnel so nonplussed.

In an effort to support American-Designed Products of shoddy foreign manufacture I suggest that the TSA, in conjunction with major airlines, form a strategic partnership with the makers of the Snuggie sleeved-blanket to design a rentable, billowing, purpose-built Air Travel model in its spiffy cotton-poly blend “Athletic Fleece”. Such a requirement offers a natural transition from the billowing cotton-poly fleece “hooded sweatshirts” of non-Snuggie provenance already worn by many Americans in airports.

The TSA-Approved Travel Garment by Snuggie would be available for rental at all airports. Upon receipt of the Garment, passengers would be directed to on-site changing facilities where they’d remove their Non-Flight Garments and don their Travel Garments. NFGs would be packed into carry-on luggage and in lieu of a kangaroo pocket de regeur on civilian-type Snuggies, which might provide sneaky terrorists with spacious explosives capacity, a fashionable low-tensile lanyard will be allotted for carrying boarding passes, identification, and copious sales receipts.

Perhaps the most compelling argument for such an alliance between TSA, Snuggie, and airlines is that the Travel Garments, whose expanse of heather grey fleece presents an ideal screen print or appliqué medium, can be subsidized by messages from various Corporate Partners often found in American airports. One could imagine region-specific Travel Garments, featuring, for example, advertisements for Chik-Fil-A restaurants exclusive to southern airports and a greater density of Zoloft and Xanax sponsorships in the New York metro area. (Imagine, for one second, a balding man in a one-size-fits-all Travel Garment, standing in line for his small coffee, wearing a Travel Garment exuberantly stating in block sans serif font “Ask Me About Vyvanse. I’ve Never Been More Productive!” across its chest.)

This proposal’s greatest value proposition, however, is the boost it offers to local economies. For years, America’s been outsourcing its industrial laundry management facilities jobs, leaving thousands out of work across the country. To mitigate the effects of the Great Recession which has wracked our economy for years, Snuggie will see to it that environmentally responsible laundry facilities are built around the country to service the TSA’s Travel Garment program and—ultimately—put Americans to work in the dignified jobs which they’re entitled, as Americans. For security reasons, the TSA vows to diligently monitor rates of migrant labor utilization at these facilities and assiduously manage the plight to American Labor that is migrant labor. It is they that take American jobs, and its the TSA’s policy to allow Americans to take them back, or, at least, take managerial positions off the washing floor.

It occurred to me, standing, hands above my head, in the full-body scanner, that strict enforcement of nakedness under such a travel garment might present knotty ethical issues, but the vocalization issued from the scanner operator—either a cough-stifled giggle or a halting gasp of envy—leads me to believe that said ethical considerations have been considered already, and the resulting forward-looking Best Practices guidelines were discarded, sloughed off their mental filters like so much cotton-poly lint from that of an enormous industrial dryer.

How To Get Hired at a Hedge Fund: A Résumé Dissection

My previous post, How To Get In To College, was obscenely successful. It was, however, somewhat simplistic in its execution, which is what likely lent to its popularity. I tried my hand at eviscerating yet another hackneyed variant on the application: the résumé.

My previous post, How To Get In To College, was obscenely successful. It was, however, somewhat simplistic in its execution, which is what likely lent to its popularity. I tried my hand at eviscerating yet another hackneyed variant on the application: the résumé. Be forewarned that this one is a bit more dense than HTGITC, primarily due to the use of acronyms and prolix technical names that proved, for better or worse, to be low-hanging fruits begging to be picked and mashed into satire.

{Below is a dissected, entirely fictitious résumé submitted to an entirely fictitious hedge fund I called the Rhodes Group. To wit, any company named herein is entirely fictitious; any similarity in name or operation to extant investment management or advisory firms is wholly coincidental. Goldman Sachs, though it makes a cameo here, bears no material similarity to the Goldman Sachs external to the confines of the work of fiction below.}

————

Profile

“Boy-Genius” financial wunderkind. Driven by quantitative performance measures. Technically well-versed. Corporate doublespeak rendering of attempt at self-aggrandizing originality expressed as sentence fragment.

Experience

Founder and Managing Director–The Sybarite Group

Coy exegesis of undergraduate experience founding the now defunct hedge fund, Sybarite Group. (named—in that great tradition of hedge funds—through the following formula: “[Arcane Word] Group”) Note on how such determination was inspired by Ken Griffin, a fellow collegiate hedge-fund-founder of now-proven “financial omnicompetence.” Some overinflated description of its “thesis”, and of its “Global Macro” strategy undertaken in the Seeking of Alpha in the thinly-traded, now-delisted Iraqi ADRs and junk bonds, summed up by an analytical diatribe on the implosion of SG’s Interest rate Debt-Equity Arbitrage (“IDEA”) strategy-program platform after several concurrent debt crises in malaria-afflicted regions of the world. [Although, it was “an extremely interesting and rapidly-developing ‘space'” at the time of SG’s inception.] Chalking it all up to “Failure is often the cost of valuable experience gained.”

[Gloss-over of the fact that the applicant was but the titular head of SG, for even though the applicant thought Global Macro to be tailor-made for his non-quant poli-sci degree, one that would contribute “Fundamental Understanding of Hypervolatile Geopolitical Issues And Resultant Market Inefficiencies”, the applicant’s wanton mathematical incompetence relegated him to creating flowcharts, infographics, and writing the quarterly report]

Market Informatics Intern–Informa, LLP

Saccharine remembrance of the ol’ internship days. A description of developing “proprietary Melville MaxAlpha rectilinear delimiting operational quantizers”, which is just a fancy name for some Excel spreadsheet-jockeying done in the back office—at which the applicant Excelled. Heavy usage of “integrated systems approach” when explaining implementation of said MMARDOQs into the high-frequency black box ‘algo’ trading carried out by Baku—the multimillion-dollar computer (named for the Japanese mythical beast that stalks the dream world and subsists by devouring nightmares) connected through high-purity fiber optic cable to the NYSE’s order matching engine and any number of as yet SEC-unregulated dark pools of liquidity. Grave description of managing “informatics throughput spillover”. Quiet demurring in the interest of modesty, however false.

[Failure to acknowledge the fact that the “ur-nerds” who studied particle physics and quantum mechanics and polyformatic abstracted Khurana processes were the ones who worked with Baku and the MMARDOQs, and that the applicant’s only role in their development was coming up with the technical-sounding name and attendant acronym.]

Deputy Compliance Task Force Officer—Goldman Sachs

Affected evaluation of the obligatory stint at Goldman Sachs, replete with doting, sweet, sweet nothings for his GS team and, more broadly, for the applicant’s scanty twenty-one months spent there—which may or may not have been the best, most stimulating year of the applicant’s life heretofore, the definitive answer to which (“May… or may not…”) is strictly guarded under an expansive NDA, as are his specific responsibilities as Deputy Compliance Task Force Officer. A sentence saying something to the extent of “You know how they are at Goldman…” with no explicit referent to whom “they” might be.

[For the maintenance of the firm’s immaculate media profile: “All rights to acknowledge negligence, failure to act, and operational incompetence, willful or accidental, committed by current and former employees of the Partnership are hereby legally waived by the undersigned according to Section 4.18.1221 of the Comprehensive Nondisclosure Agreement. (Comp-NDA)”]

External Relations Chairman & Interim CMO—StratPraxis | Mammon

A rather stodgy description of current duties writing copy for the newly formed StratPraxis Fund Group, a subdivision of Greenwich, CT based Mammon Strategy Partners, a position held until the applicant gets back on his feet. “The current post-recessionary labor market is expected to remain growth-averse for an extended period. Although composing promotional material for StratPraxis is engrossing, it doesn’t allow me to utilize my organic leadership abilities or my people skills. Newly capable in the construction of creative phrasing, I welcome the challenge of applying these skills to the securitization arm of the Rhodes Group.”

Education

Brand Name University—Political Science, 20–

How to Get In to College: Steal This

Steal this essay. It might take a while before you “get it”, but you’ll get it. Use it as skeleton or in it’s unadulterated entirety for a meta-critique that indicates your blistering intellect.

————

Broad, overreaching commentary about society. Witty backpedaling revealing hypercritical skepticism of aforesaid broad, overreaching commentary. Snide comment about believers in the aforementioned. Something about intellectuals, and how one has such a hard time of finding them around “these days.” Self referential comment that fails to mention why quotations were used around “these days”, because it is commonly acknowledged that any student of great intellectual fortune (i.e. the writer) would never for one second doubt the reader’s ability to detect irony, especially when in search of a college as prestigious and given to rigorous inquiry as ____________.

Acknowledgement of the tacit understanding between reader and writer that this whole process is bullshit, so it would behoove the college to just accept the writer and cut it with the Ivory Tower charade already.

Blasé comment about the college application process. A sentence explaining meta-awareness of behaviors undertaken by high school students specifically for the purpose of getting into a college as prestigious and given to rigorous inquiry as __________. Further backpedaling into an explanation of one such activity undertaken by the writer to get into a college as […] _____________. A sly intimation that the writer didn’t do this thing to get into college, it was, after all, for personal growth.

Self-aggrandizing explanation of overseas work with a nonprofit, the expenses of which experience were covered by upper-middle-class parents of Caucasian descent. Blanket generalization about the importance of service to one’s fellow human beings, even though said Earthly cohabiters weren’t as blessed by fate to have attended a college as prestigious and given to social service as ____________.

Something about the inherent value of everyone, and how the appreciation of such value can be developed through a liberal arts education, especially if undertaken at ___________. Commentary on the vulgarity of studying something practical, such as the art of money-getting, as an undergraduate. Tangential reference to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s This Side of Paradise, because all undergraduate admissions committees 1) secretly fetishize Fitzgerald’s rendering of Jazz Age Princeton, and 2) cluck approvingly to each other at the writer’s potential consumption of Fitzgerald’s oeuvre beyond the obligatory Great Gatsby.

Witty, one sentence aside that is its own paragraph, proving a certain rakish flouting of formulaic writing that pegs one as very high school.

Blistering social criticism. Self-righteous denouncement of the mainstream media and its pandering to the stupid. A statement decrying the death of print, a ridiculous comment on how reading frees the mind, summed up by an overdramatic implementation of Paine’s “Give me liberty, or give me death!” speech. Ironic, condescending analysis of the reference, and how some bloviating, less-gifted individual might use it in earnest.

Ridiculous statement about how the death of unashamed references to the Latin language is concomitant to the death of higher order thought. Conciliatory ending about how, in actuality, the writer sympathizes with Mr. Paine, in so many words, and wishes to liberate his/her mental capacity through a liberal arts education at __________.